September 1, 2009
Nurturing the Connected Child
Mark Heller's Monthly Column: September 2009
Category: Academy Headlines | Community News Headlines
Tags: Monthly Column
In today’s fast-paced world of American family life, we often seem to be on a treadmill. We run from school to activity to activity without much opportunity for reflection. Are we moving forward or just burning a lot of energy to remain in the same place? Technology has always promised us more time for leisure, but it has often led us to just pack more and more into each day, week, month, and year. How do we get beyond the treadmill, the endless cycle to be sure we are serving our children well? I believe the secret lies in creating a powerful sense of connectedness. A key to the healthy growth of all children and adolescents is connection: connection to family and other people certainly, but also connection to communities, activities, and even places that children come to love. Connection provides roots that in turn give rise to positive feelings that promote the making of meaning in all of our lives. Connection brings direction. We must feel connected to feel that we matter, and feeling that we matter is the key to a healthy emotional life. Connect to Family We can all create connections within our families simply by spending time: having meals together, sharing a favorite show like clockwork, creating routines or ways of doing things that become part of the family’s shared culture. Holidays and rituals provide countless opportunities that may seem small, but there is great power in repetition. There is great power in repetition. Connect to School The key to having school be a successful experience for your child lies not in getting good grades. Rather, it is in how well-connected your child feels to something larger than her- or himself. Feeling safe, welcome, and important in school are of paramount importance to healthy development. Knowing that you are known and that the adults in your school community care about you makes an enormous difference in the life of each student, no matter her or his age. Most elementary schools do a great job of creating this feeling of connectedness, but it becomes more and more difficult to foster and maintain as children grow through middle school and on to high school. An added benefit of this kind of connected school culture is that when you know you are known, when you know you matter, when you know the adults are watching, listening, and caring, you are definitely more likely to stay on the straight and narrow. As noted psychiatrist Dr. Ned Hallowell claims, the opposite of connection is indifference. And indifference can have wide-ranging negative consequences. Connect to Activities One of the secrets to living a happy, productive life is having hobbies and interests that excite or inspire you. It does not really matter if they involve sports, arts, gardening, reading, or decorating. What matters is that we all need to have these pursuits outside of work or school. All of these activities have great potential to create connectedness, and youth is the perfect time to try out many different options and to find those that really speak to your child. So help your child find her or his star by joining clubs and teams, by taking lessons, by playing an instrument, or by being involved in youth group at your house of worship. The more you find activities your child enjoys, the more likely it will be that he or she will enjoy a lifetime of fulfillment and connectedness from them. Connect to History Placing your child firmly in your family’s history is a great way to find and foster connectedness. Research your genealogy with your children, listen to grandparents tell their stories, retell the stories you heard from your own grandparents or relatives, tell your child of your own childhood and your hopes and dreams. All of these activities can provide both roots and wings for your child. Connect to Nature This is an easy one, for most children have a ready connection to experiencing and discovering the natural world around them. Nature offers so many deep opportunities to learn about ourselves and our world. Take your children to parks. Share observations about the weather. Just getting your kids outside will help them develop their own special relationships with places and their surroundings. Connect to Pets Pets can provide so much for children. They teach empathy, responsibility, and the power of companionship. They are a great way to create connectedness. Electronics None of the activities discussed above require the electronic devices that are so much a part of our 21st century lives. Electronic connectedness can provide positive opportunities in many ways: children can now communicate effectively and inexpensively across boundaries that are no longer barriers; they can also play games in new, on-line social settings, forging connections that could not have been made so easily in our childhoods. But technological connections can also isolate children and bring other dangers, so I encourage a bit of caution and healthy limits. Crafting a Connected Life The most important element in creating a connected life for your child is simply resolving to do so. Very few of the suggestions described above are inaccessible to today’s American families. They simply require investments of thought, time, and love. They will bring much richness to the life of your child and your family. I have no doubt that you will find them to be well worth making.
